Why to Be Wary When a Narcissist Gets Generous

Their apparent generosity may stem from a desire to maintain control.

Narcissists can be intriguing acquaintances. They are able to draw attention to themselves while trying to convince everyone in their orbit that their brilliance is as blinding as they themselves believe it to be. They turn on the charisma and charm and do all that they can to keep people's focus on their façade of perfection.

The true narcissist is much different than a typical individual with high self-esteem. Having a high sense of self-esteem doesn’t typically reflect a need to control others, but rather satisfaction with one’s self, while narcissists may use a heavy hand to control a person’s response to them. And a recent study has exposes another striking difference between narcissism and healthy self-esteem.

What Narcissists Give vs. What They Take

When people spend time with a narcissist, they often leave feeling exhausted, in some cases, or a little bit violated in others. Narcissists tend to encroach on your emotional and mental space, and to suck up the energy in the room. They have a hard time engaging in normal conversational give-and-take because their efforts to maintain attention and control turn them into energy vampires. They often intensely dislike themselves, and the effort to keep up their charade can leave you feeling drained of your own stores of energy.

As researchers have revealed, all of us need a bit of “healthy narcissism” to ensure that we seek out the respect we deserve from others. Our self-esteem levels need to be maintained, as well, so we believe in ourselves and treat ourselves well. Not surprisingly, being around people with high levels of earned self-esteem doesn’t take a toll on us. In fact, research shows that we actually prefer friends who have strong self-esteem and high levels of self-confidence: They're much more pleasant to be around.

A Narcissist's Gift to You is Really a Gift to Herself

Giving back to others is not something that narcissists do for the intrinsic pleasure of being altruistic, or from simple kindness. Recently published findings indicate that narcissists give “gifts” that represent an investment in their own desires—not from the desire to please others. When Hyun, Park, and Park (2016) measured the gift-giving motivations of individuals with high self-esteem compared to those with high levels of narcissism, they found that narcissists give gifts that ideally keep the recipient’s devotion or allegiance to them going strong. Specifically, narcissists give gifts with an eye to maintaining a relationship with the giver and to maintaining control in that relationship.

You don’t get expensive gifts from a narcissist because they think you are awesome; you get valuable gifts because they want you to continue to think that they are awesome.

It’s normal to want to show affection for significant others with nice gifts, or to splurge on holidays or nice meals, but we don’t offer these gifts to engender obligation or foster obedience from our partners. But narcissists give out of fear and out of their need to continue the game.

Philanthropists are encouraged to “give until it hurts,” but narcissists give because it hurts. The potential pain of losing their audience drives them to do what they feel will keep the admiration flowing.

Reference

Hyun, N. K., Park, Y., & Park, S. W. (2016). Narcissism and gift giving: Not every gift is for others. Personality and Individual Differences, 96, 47-51.

10 Warning Signs You are Dealing with the Dark Triad: Psychopath, Sociopath or a Narcissist

According to Psychology Today, “Psychopathy is among the most difficult disorders to spot. The psychopath can appear normal and even charming. Underneath that, he lacks conscience and empathy, making him manipulative, volatile and often (but by no means always) criminal.”

Professor Robert Hare, a criminal psychologist and the creator of the PCL-R, a psychological assessment used to identify a psychopath, said, “It stuns me, as much as it did when I started 40 years ago, that it is possible to have people who are so emotionally disconnected that they can function as if other people are objects to be manipulated and destroyed without any concern.”

Superficial charm, elevated sense of self-worth, need for stimulation, lying pathologically, being manipulative, absence of guilt, lack of control over behavior, are certain signs to determine if someone is a psychopath. Around 4% of the total population consists of psychopaths. It does not have to be a serial killer; it could be the next person you see on the street. The difference is that they don’t “feel” anything and exploit a person’s emotions when he or she is vulnerable. They are charming and hide their true self flawlessly making it easy to be trapped in a relationship with them.

Here are the warning signs that you might be in one!

1. They love-bomb and flatter you

Love bombing is a technique in which a person is influenced by demonstrations of attention and affection. They usually are believers of whirlwind romances which includes three main phases: idealization, devaluation, discarding. These stages may not occur one after the other, as the abuser might decide to jump from one to another. They will worship you one moment and abandon you in the next, leaving you completely dazed. The vicious cycle continues till the victim or the abuser quits.

2. They love to play the victim card

They may come off as misunderstood individuals who can do no wrong because it is always someone else at fault. They will carve a place in your life with their heart-rending tales of the past. You will believe them when they’ll say that drama is something they hate. Soon enough, you’ll realize that somehow they are always at the center of it.

3. They will involve you in a non-existent love triangle 

Psychopaths and narcissists indulge in self-sabotaging behavior like keeping in touch with an ex for constant validation. They cannot handle rejection as it is a blow to their sky-high ego. In the middle of this chaos, you will be confused and think they are always in demand.

4. They manifest crazy behavior and twist reality

They will never take ownership of their abusive behavior. They will use gaslighting as a tool and you will constantly second-guess yourself. Psychopaths and narcissists are experts in mind games and will trick you to believe that it is your response to their abuse that is toxic.

5. They will accuse you of things that they have provoked

For instance, they will ignore you and end up calling you needy, or flirt with a lot of people and say you’re invading their personal space. They will try to prove that you are insane and use your reactions against you.

6. They are pathological liars

Lying is their first instinct in any given situation. They will lie blatantly and show no signs of remorse even if they are caught. Instead of trying to evaluate their faults, they will rationalize every action.

7. They provoke destructive behavior but pretend to be innocent 

In the beginning, they will shower you with affection and give you full attention. After some time, they will gradually withdraw and give priority to others. They will meet their ex, post pictures or tag them in social media profiles and pretend its natural. They invoke jealousy and rivalry, expecting you to be okay with it and if you say something, they get defensive.

8. They undermine your self esteem 

They will underestimate you and eventually the relationship will go sour. You will look to find faults in yourself and the psychopath will be carefree, making you feel like a burden.

9. They demand validation

They are parasites who will feed on your energy, leaving you drained, both emotionally and physically. You can adore them endlessly and that still won’t be enough.

10. You get to a point where you no longer recognize your feelings

You will become anxious about everything and panic at the drop of a hat. You’ll cry, cut off important people, apologize even when you’re not at fault, and feel empty.

Such relationships scar you, but everything heals with time. Severe all ties with the psychopath – emails, text, social media – everything. Do not look back. You deserve better and will find fulfilling relationships in the future.

Source: http://fbhealthremedies.com/10-warning-signs-you-are-dealing-with-the-dark-triad-psychopath-sociopath-or-a-narcissist/3/