Why to Be Wary When a Narcissist Gets Generous

Their apparent generosity may stem from a desire to maintain control.

Narcissists can be intriguing acquaintances. They are able to draw attention to themselves while trying to convince everyone in their orbit that their brilliance is as blinding as they themselves believe it to be. They turn on the charisma and charm and do all that they can to keep people's focus on their façade of perfection.

The true narcissist is much different than a typical individual with high self-esteem. Having a high sense of self-esteem doesn’t typically reflect a need to control others, but rather satisfaction with one’s self, while narcissists may use a heavy hand to control a person’s response to them. And a recent study has exposes another striking difference between narcissism and healthy self-esteem.

What Narcissists Give vs. What They Take

When people spend time with a narcissist, they often leave feeling exhausted, in some cases, or a little bit violated in others. Narcissists tend to encroach on your emotional and mental space, and to suck up the energy in the room. They have a hard time engaging in normal conversational give-and-take because their efforts to maintain attention and control turn them into energy vampires. They often intensely dislike themselves, and the effort to keep up their charade can leave you feeling drained of your own stores of energy.

As researchers have revealed, all of us need a bit of “healthy narcissism” to ensure that we seek out the respect we deserve from others. Our self-esteem levels need to be maintained, as well, so we believe in ourselves and treat ourselves well. Not surprisingly, being around people with high levels of earned self-esteem doesn’t take a toll on us. In fact, research shows that we actually prefer friends who have strong self-esteem and high levels of self-confidence: They're much more pleasant to be around.

A Narcissist's Gift to You is Really a Gift to Herself

Giving back to others is not something that narcissists do for the intrinsic pleasure of being altruistic, or from simple kindness. Recently published findings indicate that narcissists give “gifts” that represent an investment in their own desires—not from the desire to please others. When Hyun, Park, and Park (2016) measured the gift-giving motivations of individuals with high self-esteem compared to those with high levels of narcissism, they found that narcissists give gifts that ideally keep the recipient’s devotion or allegiance to them going strong. Specifically, narcissists give gifts with an eye to maintaining a relationship with the giver and to maintaining control in that relationship.

You don’t get expensive gifts from a narcissist because they think you are awesome; you get valuable gifts because they want you to continue to think that they are awesome.

It’s normal to want to show affection for significant others with nice gifts, or to splurge on holidays or nice meals, but we don’t offer these gifts to engender obligation or foster obedience from our partners. But narcissists give out of fear and out of their need to continue the game.

Philanthropists are encouraged to “give until it hurts,” but narcissists give because it hurts. The potential pain of losing their audience drives them to do what they feel will keep the admiration flowing.

Reference

Hyun, N. K., Park, Y., & Park, S. W. (2016). Narcissism and gift giving: Not every gift is for others. Personality and Individual Differences, 96, 47-51.

10 Warning Signs You are Dealing with the Dark Triad: Psychopath, Sociopath or a Narcissist

According to Psychology Today, “Psychopathy is among the most difficult disorders to spot. The psychopath can appear normal and even charming. Underneath that, he lacks conscience and empathy, making him manipulative, volatile and often (but by no means always) criminal.”

Professor Robert Hare, a criminal psychologist and the creator of the PCL-R, a psychological assessment used to identify a psychopath, said, “It stuns me, as much as it did when I started 40 years ago, that it is possible to have people who are so emotionally disconnected that they can function as if other people are objects to be manipulated and destroyed without any concern.”

Superficial charm, elevated sense of self-worth, need for stimulation, lying pathologically, being manipulative, absence of guilt, lack of control over behavior, are certain signs to determine if someone is a psychopath. Around 4% of the total population consists of psychopaths. It does not have to be a serial killer; it could be the next person you see on the street. The difference is that they don’t “feel” anything and exploit a person’s emotions when he or she is vulnerable. They are charming and hide their true self flawlessly making it easy to be trapped in a relationship with them.

Here are the warning signs that you might be in one!

1. They love-bomb and flatter you

Love bombing is a technique in which a person is influenced by demonstrations of attention and affection. They usually are believers of whirlwind romances which includes three main phases: idealization, devaluation, discarding. These stages may not occur one after the other, as the abuser might decide to jump from one to another. They will worship you one moment and abandon you in the next, leaving you completely dazed. The vicious cycle continues till the victim or the abuser quits.

2. They love to play the victim card

They may come off as misunderstood individuals who can do no wrong because it is always someone else at fault. They will carve a place in your life with their heart-rending tales of the past. You will believe them when they’ll say that drama is something they hate. Soon enough, you’ll realize that somehow they are always at the center of it.

3. They will involve you in a non-existent love triangle 

Psychopaths and narcissists indulge in self-sabotaging behavior like keeping in touch with an ex for constant validation. They cannot handle rejection as it is a blow to their sky-high ego. In the middle of this chaos, you will be confused and think they are always in demand.

4. They manifest crazy behavior and twist reality

They will never take ownership of their abusive behavior. They will use gaslighting as a tool and you will constantly second-guess yourself. Psychopaths and narcissists are experts in mind games and will trick you to believe that it is your response to their abuse that is toxic.

5. They will accuse you of things that they have provoked

For instance, they will ignore you and end up calling you needy, or flirt with a lot of people and say you’re invading their personal space. They will try to prove that you are insane and use your reactions against you.

6. They are pathological liars

Lying is their first instinct in any given situation. They will lie blatantly and show no signs of remorse even if they are caught. Instead of trying to evaluate their faults, they will rationalize every action.

7. They provoke destructive behavior but pretend to be innocent 

In the beginning, they will shower you with affection and give you full attention. After some time, they will gradually withdraw and give priority to others. They will meet their ex, post pictures or tag them in social media profiles and pretend its natural. They invoke jealousy and rivalry, expecting you to be okay with it and if you say something, they get defensive.

8. They undermine your self esteem 

They will underestimate you and eventually the relationship will go sour. You will look to find faults in yourself and the psychopath will be carefree, making you feel like a burden.

9. They demand validation

They are parasites who will feed on your energy, leaving you drained, both emotionally and physically. You can adore them endlessly and that still won’t be enough.

10. You get to a point where you no longer recognize your feelings

You will become anxious about everything and panic at the drop of a hat. You’ll cry, cut off important people, apologize even when you’re not at fault, and feel empty.

Such relationships scar you, but everything heals with time. Severe all ties with the psychopath – emails, text, social media – everything. Do not look back. You deserve better and will find fulfilling relationships in the future.

Source: http://fbhealthremedies.com/10-warning-signs-you-are-dealing-with-the-dark-triad-psychopath-sociopath-or-a-narcissist/3/

Will the Real Victim Please Stand up.

It’s NOT EASY using the V word.

Personally, I don’t LIKE it. It’s not a word I’ve used to describe myself through very many situations in my life, because I am the kind of person who takes responsibility for things that happen to me. While, I certainly had choices and consequences (thus responsibility) in my relationship with a narcissist as an adult – it is the only experience I think the V label accurately describes and depicts.

I was caught unaware. I was told things that weren’t true. By relying on those things, I made decisions that put me in harms way. I was sold a bill of goods and promises by a person who was well aware that they had no intention of ever delivering on those promises nor being capable of being a good person towards me, so that he could use me for things that benefited one person in the “relationship”: THE NARCISSIST.

This being said, I don’t throw this word “Victim” around LIGHTLY. I think that the topic of FALSE VICTIM claims by narcissists should be evaluated with a more discerning eye when considering the damage and injustice done by a narcissist to the lives that their false allegations destroy.

Let’s examine the traits of a well-trained pathological liar, a narcissist; with a history of duping others and manipulating to avoid responsibility vs a credible, honest, albeit “emotional” target of the narcissist.

FALSE VICTIM vs. TRUE VICTIM

1. FLAT AFFECT

A FALSE VICTIM isn’t emotionally vibrant and attached to the events which they are sharing that were abusive. They appear as if they’ve just gotten back from a calming vacation. Very smooth. Cool. Detached.

Whereas, a TRUE VICTIM will appear FRAZZLED, RUFFLED and SPENT. They’ll cry hysterically, appear jumpy, nervous and afraid. They’ll space out then come back to the conversation with shocking emotion. They have an urgency with their speech and inflection and it will be PEPPERED with emotions that are all over the place. There are instances of true victims of narcissists who are completely detached and disengaged; hopelessly depressed with a flat affect from the abuse. There will still be evidence of victimization in that “spaced out” appearance not like the cold, cool demeanor of a lying narcissist.

TRUE VICTIMS experience the grieving process. Shock. Denial. Anger. moving all the way through acceptance. Whereas a FALSE VICTIM will appear to get over the emotions of the experience rather quickly. They don’t appear to dwell, (ruminate / obsess) over the “abusive” experiences.

2. BRILLIANT USE OF WORDS, DESCRIPTIONS and PHRASES. Suspiciouly Articulate.

Though the words they’re using say, “I’m afraid. Stalker. Scared for my life.” Their behavior says something else.  They’ve studied their true victim long enough and know the dark deeds they’ve committed to be able to twist history to use a convincing choice of dialogue, placing themselves in the position of the “Poor person who had to deal with YOUR shenanigans.” They’re able to take conversations you’ve had previously and articulately add / detract from them just enough to appear as if you were behaving as a crazy person.

Perfect example:

Cutting and pasting parts of an email conversation (when you forward conversations, you can change the language) and present those, in their EDITED form as “Evidence”.

That’s not really “evidence” of course, it’s actually a CRIME called falsifying evidence. But the narcissist with their belief they’re above the law and backing by accomplices is given the opportunity to present their lies to people just dumb enough to believe them.

NOW ASK A TRUE VICTIM WHAT HAPPENED: Foggy. Forgetful. Inarticulate. Shows confusion. Their words and thoughts are ALL over the place. Chaotic. Disjointed. You can even see them stop and question the absurdity and validity of THEIR OWN STORY, MID SENTENCE.

It may appear that we’re trying to think of an answer, but we’re realizing based on the “surreal” details and the fact that the person were telling has changed their demeanor (eye rolls, doubtful looks) to them our story sounds artificial or we’re being accused of being “hysterical”, we feel defeated – we want to defend our honesty. Suddenly our credibility waivers – even though we’re the ones telling the honest to God’s truth; it’s very isolating.

The stuff that is done to us by narcissists, is SO INSIDIOUS; it literally baffles us into muddled brain fog. On the surface to others and even ourselves – the narcissist TRIES to appear “nice”. They can’t be openly ugly – their images mean EVERYTHING to them. Unless they’re in a profession where being a big, ugly, bad ass is how they’re paid, they more often than not, present as YOUR BEST FRIEND.

Imagine having a best friend who does and says SO MANY wonderful things to you – suddenly throwing in jabs at you when no ones around. Who calls a woman the love of their lives in one breath, then in the next conversation calls her a slut and tells her that no one will really ever love her for who she is, just that she’s only ever wanted by people for sex? A perpetrating narcissist, that’s who.

Where does a loving person go with this kind of conversation? Most targets question themselves. We became accustomed to explaining the inexplicable by assuming responsibility. We try harder. We try to understand and empathize with the feelings of a narcissist, because we think that if they are that extreme, they MUST be genuine.

3. LACK OF CHANGES IN BEHAVIOR, PERSONALITY OR LIFESTYLE

Narcissists as FALSE VICTIMS don’t change a damn thing about their behavior. They don’t seek help. They don’t look over their shoulders. (Unless they’re paranoid about karma catching up with them) They don’t have trouble sleeping at night or difficulty breathing at times. They aren’t afraid of you in the ways they’ve claimed to be afraid. They aren’t as afraid of you as you are of them. They don’t hang out in support groups. They don’t share their stories with other survivors. They don’t endure the traumatic symptoms of PTSD.

TRUE VICTIMS can’t survive by any other way than REACHING OUT for support. Seeking validation, seeking therapy, GOD, or other “SAVING” modalities is a revelation of our TRUE, inner state. We’re shocked, scared and hurt, we feel broken by the abuse. We reach out, give back and share our stories with others. We try to warn the next victim out of fear that the narcissist will victimize others.

We have the ability and show true empathy for other survivors because we KNOW what the abuse from a narcissist feels like. We KNOW how confusing it is. We don’t take the experience lightly, nor the feelings of those who’ve suffered this lightly.

4. FALSE VICTIMS DON’T QUESTION THEMSELVES, THEY PROJECT ARROGANCE

TRUE VICTIMS become very involved in our own therapy. We are motivated by hurt, anger, fear and determination to never be made a victim again, and thus pour ourselves into learning about our own behavior, vulnerabilities and areas in need of improvement. A narcissist believes it’s everyone ELSE that needs to change.

Where is the narcissist in their protestation that THEY were victimized?

(This is like OJ saying he’s going to devote the rest of his life to finding the “Real killers” of Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman. YEA RIGHT. He spent his time searching golf courses because in his narcissistic fashion, the killer looked just like HIM, and that’s where you’d find Him; on a golf course)

The narcissist isn’t at home tending to their self-care and reading every tidbit of information regarding recovery they can get their hands on. They’re out meeting new dating partners, out selling themselves on websites for dating, flirting, laughing and gayly enjoying a life not fettered by consequences. They post pictures of where they’re located or broadcast to social media that they’re at such and such location.

TRUE VICTIMS are AFRAID of announcing those things because we KNOW the true danger of someone who uses that information to track us down. We show FEAR and take ACTION to change our previous lifestyles, one that’s more PROTECTED because WE’VE KNOWN VIOLATION.

True victims are FULL of self-doubt. If a person was very self-assured, they would instantly recognize abuse and walk away. They’d be confident that they could handle the situation and feel very comfortable labeling their former partner as “abusive”.

TRUE VICTIMS are not QUICK to use the word abuse – we’re not even looking outside ourselves for answers. We’re busy looking within; carrying tons of borrowed shame and guilt. We don’t throw the term around because of the far-reaching consequences and implications of the words, “Abuse” and “Victim”.

5. TRUE VICTIMS GET PTSD

I don’t recall one narcissistic person I’ve met who showed any signs of PTSD.  They’re well described by that quote that says, “Some people don’t GET ulcers, they GIVE them”. Same with narcissists; they GIVE others PTSD.  Narcissists are cool cucumbers emotionally, I don’t think events can overwhelm them from the vantage point of feelings and trauma.  Cruel and cool, they’re pretty emotionally unaffected by things.

Psychopaths give PTSD because it is THEIR behavior (which they are completely unaware of and how it impacts others) that is so far outside the range of normal human behavior, they have no concept of it’s oddity – but those on the outside looking in, DO. We don’t expect one of our own to regard us as objects of prey. The expectation, although naive is to believe that there are proper rules of contact. Not so with a personality disorder.

As a TRUE VICTIM, let me share the thoughts that went through my mind while the narcissist was insidiously abusing me and why I stayed:

1. Was it me?

I was reminded by the narcissist over a 3 year period that everyone else seemed to get, understand and love him in ways that I just “couldn’t”. Yet, at other times he told me that I did that better than anyone he’d ever known.

2. Everything that went wrong seemed to be MY fault.

With his assistance, I blamed myself relentlessly. Typically, you’ll see a victim apologizing to their abuser, simply because we feel so guilty for provoking their feelings of anger, rage or violence. Yet conversely, you will NOT see an abuser apologizing to their victim – which causes onlookers to think the culpable person is the victim.

3. He told me ad nauseam how GREAT he was.

There was NO WAY the bad feelings, I was experiencing were coming from HIM. They had to be something I was doing or causing; because HE was “perfect” – just ask him!

4. I began to feel that instead of DOING something WRONG, I was BEING something WRONG. 

There’s the inexplicable kicker to narcissistic abuse; it really boils down to a person with no true identity, breaking a person with a loving, true identity. I was barraged with so many put downs and unrealistic expectations – that in the end, I felt just as UNWORTHY about myself as a narcissist feels about themselves. Plain and simple in words, yet to go THROUGH the experience of having your soul shattered to arrive at this state of NO IDENTITY, is pretty damn dark & scary; like an inner earthquake. A 9 on the emotional richter scale.

5. I made excuses.

He made them to justify and explain things he did to me, so I did the same. I accepted the ones he gave me – with minor questioning but for the most part, we were a duo of defenders against his true character. God that must have made him feel so good. A perfect scape goat. Unaware of my future slaughter. The things that make some people happy.

6. I was blinded by “Love” . In hindsight, I realize that it wasn’t loving at all; anything that would have me bend myself into a pretzel to satisfy their own deep insecurities to feel loved, wasn’t love they were getting from me. It was sad to let that love go until I accepted the fact that it just wasn’t real.

Source:  https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2013/11/02/602/

Psychological Murder: Death By Covert Abuse

Sparkster Publishing 

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Marc Hubs is a writer/researcher on mind, science, and conspiracy. He is the author of "Know Your Enemy: Reflections of NPD."

Pernicious Abuse

It goes unrecognized but it exists.

It exists on an extremely covert level.

It happens behind the scenes without anyone even being aware of what the problem is; the real problem.

No evidence of it is left behind and no-one has ever been convicted of it yet in reality, what I will term pernicious abuse is something which can and does have a devastating effect, not just on the victim, but also within society. Pernicious abusecan lead a person into carrying out acts such as covert psychological murder, or perhaps even covert psychological manslaughter - something which is very real, insidious in nature but unfortunately unrecognized and virtually unquestioned.

Psychological murder can take many forms but the type I'm really referring to is of a covertly narcissistic and/or sociopathic nature. It may be too difficult for some people to be able to comprehend but it does happen and I've seen it happen.

Narcissistic/Sociopathic (narcopathic) abuse takes place when a narcissist or sociopath (or narcopath) attempts to convince someone who has discovered their unbelievably shallow secrets, gradually over time, that they are crazy and proceeds to manipulate them into keeping quiet or to ultimately face their wrath. They use techniques such as crazy-making, character assassination and gaslighting in order to get their victim(s) to question their own sanity.

They generally do so by ostracizing the victim while continuing to act out their part, expertly hiding their truly outrageous behaviour, whilst successfully having everyone around them fooled - everything is done to appease those around them while their manipulative and controlling tactics take place behind the scenes, outside of people's awareness. The victim is forced to question their own sanity because they don't realize that they are the victim because everything done to manipulate them is done outside of their conscious awareness.

The longer time goes on and the longer the victim tries to do something about it, the more severe the abuse becomes. The narcissist/sociopath has already built an army of unwitting abusers who all help to drive the victim crazy. The long-term consequences of these actions can be a devastating, soul crushing and reality-shattering path to be led down. Of course, there are many other types of abuse that can have just as damaging and severe long-term consequences. However, psychological forms of abuse such as gaslighting, mental rape, slander, defamation and distortion campaigns of a person's reputation are done so covertly and expertly that they are very rarely identified early enough.

The abuser, when carrying out these covert tasks, is faceless and undercover.

Narcopathic Abuse

Victims of this type of abuse are commonly left with no resources they can use to escape the situation; the abuser has stolen their finances, their identity and has turned the victim's own family and friends against them, due to the malicious web of lies and deceit that have been woven. The victim is trapped with no way out... or at least that is what they are made to believe.

Although victims go through what can only be described as being dragged through hell backwards, narcissistic and sociopathic abuse via heightened communication is so difficult to pick up on the human radar of perception that the victim is usually left scratching their head wondering "is it me?"

They have been made to believe that they are the problem. Such abusers are so shallow that they may cheat on their partner on significant occasions such as valentine's day or while they are away at a funeral - at times when the victim will least expect it.

Not only that, they will do it with the person the victim suspects the least.... time and time again.

In many cases the victim may turn to drugs or alcohol as a means of escape. The stress they are forced to endure can be so severe that if they don't find some kind of release in order to feel a sense of escape, they continue to build up with overwhelming tension, anxiety, emotional suffering and may develop an overactive mind which can literally drive them crazy - post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can soon follow. That's not to say that the drugs will either prevent it from happening or even slow the process down - they won't. They will only exacerbate the situation in the long run.

Psychological Murder

The abuser never quits abusing and the victim's self-esteem gets worn down to the core until they go through a process of devaluation, dehumanization and dissociation. The victim has been made to feel that they are nothing in this world, they now have nothing, they now have no meaning and nowhere to go and nobody wants them any more except for the narcissistic/sociopathic abuser who can now use the victim as their emotional/mental slave. The narcopath is now their God.

The process is so subliminal and it happens so gradually that it could take place over the course of ten or twenty or even thirty years or more. The victim knows that even if they did escape the situation the abuser would probably continue to ruin the rest of their life or future relationships anyway and in many cases after the partner has left, the abuser continues to drive them crazy gradually destroying their reputation, their life and their soul - often referred to as soul murder.

Eventually the victim may be left feeling suicidal but fear that others would see it as a selfish act. Additionally, they don't want others to be left picking up the pieces they left behind because they do feel real true genuine empathy. For this reason many victims believe they have no choice but to continue suffering the abuse and may feel that the damage is already done.

Some victims may ultimately decide to continue to pump as much alcohol or drugs into their system as they can. This way they can use it not only as a form of escapism but also to slowly kill themselves so that they can reach the point that they have to suffer the abuse no longer. Others may not turn to substance abuse but may end up suffering fatal medical issues as a result of the abuse alone which may potentially lead to death a result of pernicious abuse.

Some may have given up on their hopes of escape and may have just accepted things the way they are (conditioned into co-dependence) but unless they are an inverted narcissist, then the stress will eventually take it's toll. Stress is well known to cause a myriad of health problems, both mental and physical, many of which can be fatal.

Ultimately, the victim takes the knowledge of their covert psychological murder to the grave which forever remains a secret inside the mind of the abuser.

• Marc Hubs is the author of Know Your Enemy: Reflections Of NPD